I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
