My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
