After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
