did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
