White coat. Heels.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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