I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
