Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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