I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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