I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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