Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
