He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
