The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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