Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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