i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
