Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Randomize
