She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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