I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
