The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
