And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize
