WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
