I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize