Non-Jews are for practice
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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