I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
