I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
