made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
