a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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