ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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