Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
