I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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