Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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