You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
