so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
