This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
