I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
