he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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