i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
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