You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
