she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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