mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
