I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
