It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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