Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
