Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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