this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
