i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
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If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
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I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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