You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
