I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
