It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
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Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
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I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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