the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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