apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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