In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
