I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
