1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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