I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
