I'll bet she douches with gravy.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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