This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
