I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
