Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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