I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
