So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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